I attended the premiere of a movie I worked on last night. It was an invitational and only the family of a crew member is invited to watch. Two days ago I asked the organizing team if it’s okay that I’ll bring along friends. They told me that the premiere is basically for the viewing of family only. So, at that time, I thought I’d be going alone since my family can’t come. But Anne, a good friend of mine texted me that it’s okay to bring friends. So, I asked my close friends to come see an international indie movie I so put my heart into shooting. It is the first time it is shown to the world and I would have liked it if my family saw it even if they’d comment on it like they always do… They never liked any of what I do…but at least…they watched and supported me. But in the end, they never did.
I realized…I’ve been here a thousand times already. Since I was small, they never really like what I chose…be it in movie preferences, art or even stories. Years before, I already told myself that I should never expect much from them. But it’s hard…very hard to not CARE about what your family thinks. Maybe it was because they mean so much to me. I might not show it…and yes, I am guilty for not caring much about what’s happening at home sometimes. But you know… that’s just the way I am. I get lost in books I read…I revel in the movies I watch… I might not show much…but I do care what they think.
My mother told me, in one of our many arguments that they are proud of me. Oh well, they sure show it in a funny way – not giving a damn about where I am in my career and labeling me as an eccentric for not choosing a LOGICAL direction in life. Maybe…there’s a lot of MAYBEs because I don’t want to believe that they just don’t give a shit about my dreams…it’s frightening…and I know I’ll crumble… Well, it doesn’t really matter now since I always crumble with the way they treat my achievements. Maybe…
What they don’t understand is… I might follow what they want me to do…and do the things I want at the same time… But they can’t understand the logic of staring at a blank canvas for days, deciding where to lay your first stroke… They can’t. They call it folly – a waste of time. I call it passion. I call it a dream. A family friend once asked me where these ideas in painting come from… I don’t know, I answered. I just know what to do in that certain moment. And they just stared at me and shook their heads slowly.
Maybe I’m a little childish in treating this. Once more, I’m reasoning with myself. I don’t want to end up feeling sorry for myself. I am not sorry for choosing this life. I love my passion. I believe that God gave me this talent…and I sure as hell don’t want to waste it. I believe that I will do better things with this… I believe… And if it takes my whole family to treat me as if I’m invisible in their eyes, I accept it. They started doing that recently. No one cares as I eat breakfast and tried listening to their business talks. I wanted to bring up the premiere and to tell them that a lot of people liked it. But they didn’t even blinked when I said, “There are a lot of people watching last night…” They continued with their talk as if I’m not there. I tried to ask my aunt how was her friend who wanted to buy one of my paintings…but they didn’t even take a look at me.
I felt like my cousin. My cousin, who always seem to take this treatment since he seldom comes home in an early time and loves to play games… They’re dividing us pretty well – cutting us from the family. FINE. I can deal with that, is what others might say…and I was about to say it. But you know…I understand pretty well that they’re trying to show us their disapproval in a silent way. It’s great, isn’t it? That they want me to change… Is there a LAW that says only YOUNG PEOPLE MUST change for the betterment of the old ones? I can hear them now, “You’re saying that today…but when you get older…you’ll realize we’re right.” Yeah…yeah… The funny thing is, if I only want to secure my future – money and marriage, I can easily do that mind you… But I don’t know why I chose ILLOGICAL things… I don’t. I value things differently and I’m sorry for being strange… I’m sorry for you – having an alien child in the family. I wish I have a twin…or a brother…so that I won’t feel this guilt and pressure. I wish…I wish… But wishing is stupid and disappointing. Hoping…to no avail though…
If they’ll only accept me as a part of them if I say yes to managing the business…don’t you think it’s kind of unfair? They say that they’re not insulting what I do… Oh yeah…they’re not…verbally they don’t. But the looks and the feel that they give off need NO WORDS. So tell me what to do then… I now understand how it was for all the artists that have gone emotionally locked up and secluded in their own little world. One friend told me that I needed this – I need this HATE, this DISCRIMINATION, this PAIN… Perhaps she’s right… Maybe I need a little pain and suffering. With this, at least I feel a little close to what Christ was feeling…being discriminated and scorned…
Boy do I sound like a masochist! XD
I realized…I’ve been here a thousand times already. Since I was small, they never really like what I chose…be it in movie preferences, art or even stories. Years before, I already told myself that I should never expect much from them. But it’s hard…very hard to not CARE about what your family thinks. Maybe it was because they mean so much to me. I might not show it…and yes, I am guilty for not caring much about what’s happening at home sometimes. But you know… that’s just the way I am. I get lost in books I read…I revel in the movies I watch… I might not show much…but I do care what they think.
My mother told me, in one of our many arguments that they are proud of me. Oh well, they sure show it in a funny way – not giving a damn about where I am in my career and labeling me as an eccentric for not choosing a LOGICAL direction in life. Maybe…there’s a lot of MAYBEs because I don’t want to believe that they just don’t give a shit about my dreams…it’s frightening…and I know I’ll crumble… Well, it doesn’t really matter now since I always crumble with the way they treat my achievements. Maybe…
What they don’t understand is… I might follow what they want me to do…and do the things I want at the same time… But they can’t understand the logic of staring at a blank canvas for days, deciding where to lay your first stroke… They can’t. They call it folly – a waste of time. I call it passion. I call it a dream. A family friend once asked me where these ideas in painting come from… I don’t know, I answered. I just know what to do in that certain moment. And they just stared at me and shook their heads slowly.
Maybe I’m a little childish in treating this. Once more, I’m reasoning with myself. I don’t want to end up feeling sorry for myself. I am not sorry for choosing this life. I love my passion. I believe that God gave me this talent…and I sure as hell don’t want to waste it. I believe that I will do better things with this… I believe… And if it takes my whole family to treat me as if I’m invisible in their eyes, I accept it. They started doing that recently. No one cares as I eat breakfast and tried listening to their business talks. I wanted to bring up the premiere and to tell them that a lot of people liked it. But they didn’t even blinked when I said, “There are a lot of people watching last night…” They continued with their talk as if I’m not there. I tried to ask my aunt how was her friend who wanted to buy one of my paintings…but they didn’t even take a look at me.
I felt like my cousin. My cousin, who always seem to take this treatment since he seldom comes home in an early time and loves to play games… They’re dividing us pretty well – cutting us from the family. FINE. I can deal with that, is what others might say…and I was about to say it. But you know…I understand pretty well that they’re trying to show us their disapproval in a silent way. It’s great, isn’t it? That they want me to change… Is there a LAW that says only YOUNG PEOPLE MUST change for the betterment of the old ones? I can hear them now, “You’re saying that today…but when you get older…you’ll realize we’re right.” Yeah…yeah… The funny thing is, if I only want to secure my future – money and marriage, I can easily do that mind you… But I don’t know why I chose ILLOGICAL things… I don’t. I value things differently and I’m sorry for being strange… I’m sorry for you – having an alien child in the family. I wish I have a twin…or a brother…so that I won’t feel this guilt and pressure. I wish…I wish… But wishing is stupid and disappointing. Hoping…to no avail though…
If they’ll only accept me as a part of them if I say yes to managing the business…don’t you think it’s kind of unfair? They say that they’re not insulting what I do… Oh yeah…they’re not…verbally they don’t. But the looks and the feel that they give off need NO WORDS. So tell me what to do then… I now understand how it was for all the artists that have gone emotionally locked up and secluded in their own little world. One friend told me that I needed this – I need this HATE, this DISCRIMINATION, this PAIN… Perhaps she’s right… Maybe I need a little pain and suffering. With this, at least I feel a little close to what Christ was feeling…being discriminated and scorned…
Boy do I sound like a masochist! XD
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